Bad things happen. Painful things that set out to try and sabotage us. On our journey through this life, we all are met with some damned, hard challenges and crushing experiences. It would be easy to spend ones time being held hostage over the negatives, the struggles; The financial burdens, the relationship cracks, health worries, loss.
I have felt so very low for a long time about my sweet son facing battle with a terminal disease, which we now know to be Alexander’s disease, a leukodystrophy. That pain will unlikely fade. I shall carry it always.
However, having felt such despair, I am now in a place, which allows me to see and feel intensely, every single bit of good that comes to me. And it is amplified. It is alight.
Our family meal, eaten together (even when in front of the tv). I look around at my husband, precious daughter and my wonderful son, and I fall into seeing them just as they are in that moment.
Listening to Lily read, or to think out loud her sums and stories – I feel such sunshine illuminating from her.
Hearing the goings on from her day at school and gym class – the whispers in the back seat of the car between her and her friends. Oh, how it all goes on… The ups and the downs of it! Her ability to figure it all out. That is so satisfying to me.
Hearing Corry say a new word. The sense of overwhelming joy and amazement fills up inside of me. Every single time.
When the morning allows enough dryness that I can take my cup of tea out in the garden and breathe for just 2 minutes…. Pure blissful glee!
The first daff coming up from its sleep.
Laughing at the cats chasing leaves in the wind.
Making the school run without being touched by a drop of rain. Making the school run having being absolutely obliterated by the rain – it feels wonderful – it is life! I value every little piece of it.
I have spent all amounts of free time I have had this last week wrapped up in a dressingown, sprawled across the sofa, crafting, with tissue surrounding me and living off of eucalyptus sugar sweets. The cold itself sucks….. But boy, I am so at ease here, just being… being free to get lost in thought, about the good… And the bad. How they are so closely aligned. How they keep me going.
To be able to experience such rich and vibrant colour, has been made possible by the darkness surrounding us. And I suppose that in itself is something good. Not the cruelness of what Corry is having to face. Not the prospect of losing him. But the ability that I now have, being made to face that, in which I am able to cherish each and every little thing that this disease has held in its grasp.
Time is so very precious and so very fragile. But time is good, as can life be, despite the bad. It’s not hard to find.
Good is always there.